hisstrength | IC INBOX

[She doesn't really get it, and she can't really guess it, even if she gets the feeling there's something she isn't being told. But for once, she doesn't pry.]

I guess.

So what did you do? To get away from David and his people?

Made them think I was one of the Infected. Bit David. Ran away.

He caught up. He figured it out. Nobody who's dying fights this hard to stay alive.

[So he's good at making nice, and he's got a lot of people at his disposal, he's manipulative, brutal, and clever. It lines some pieces up. Tris knows she doesn't like where that must've gone.]

Shit.

[She's read it precisely right.]

He caught up, but I ripped off his face with a machete.

[There's a line crossed here somewhere. She's losing track of them, because she doesn't want to imagine what it's like to be hunted down by someone like that and have to fight them. But she does. There's a pause before she answers, a moment of quiet breathing.]

I hope he never shows up here again.

[Ellie takes a few deep breaths before she responds. On a good day, she might be braver. She might pull on her game face and tough it out, but Tris knows more about her than that, more than a lot of people.]

Yeah. Me too.

[There's another pause. She isn't sure if this is something she's allowed to ask, but it feels like something that's important to know. Because someone who's been here once, well. There's always a chance they'll be here more than once.]

If he does, though. Do you think... you could stop yourself?

[And she thinks about what she'd do if Jeanine Mathews was here - but she isn't nearly as frightening on her own, without the entirety of Erudite behind her.]

I don't think I should.

[When it comes down to it, no. She will never not feel that he's better off dead, that the world is better off without him in it.]

[There's a long pause. She isn't sure if there's a solution to this. If David came here like they did, linked to one of the gods, he'd be brought back to life again and again, every time. Not that she's arguing the world isn't better off with him dead, but she doesn't want her best friend here to make it her life's mission to kill a guy day after day after day. Because there's nothing right about that, nothing whatsoever.

Ellie can't see her shake her head, but there's a sigh as well.]

Not gonna argue that. Anyway, are you... are you gonna be okay?

I'm gonna be.

[She's not right now, but she'll be okay. There isn't any other choice.]

... don't worry about me, Tris. I'll get my shit together. I just... we'll see. Okay?

Okay. Let me know if there's anything I can do to, I don't know. Make it easier.

[There's no fixing it, but maybe some things can be done anyway. She feels pretty useless, as it stands.]

[Ellie hesitates a little, takes a deep breath.]

... I've killed a whole lot of people, Tris. I don't -- I don't feel bad about it. There's a lot of times when it's been them or me, or them or Joel.

I feel like it should freak me out more than it does.

But then I think of this asshole, and I just. Wonder what the fuck I'm turning into.

Didn't it freak you out at first?

[Tris doesn't want to think about the first person she ever killed. But it's hard not to remember him now, and her hands are shaking already.]

... yeah. I felt like I was gonna throw up.

But then Joel got all pissed, and I was pissed at him because he wouldn't give me a fucking gun in the first place, just in case something like that happened and I had to use one, but what the hell was I supposed to do?

The asshole was drowning him in a foot of water, I just. Shot the hell out of that guy.

And saved Joel's life.

[That seems like the most important part here.]

I don't... really know what to tell you, I mean. I'm not exactly a good person myself. Sometimes, bad things happen and you have to make a choice, you have to do something. [More quietly,] Sometimes, it's them or you, or it's them or someone important to you.

... exactly.

He was mad for a while. But then he gave me a gun, and I started covering him. Sometimes, shit just happens.

Riley -- told me not to try to think about doing the right thing, or the heroic thing. Sometimes you just do the best you can do at the time.

She's got a point. [But Tris sounds a little bitter.]

I'm glad he gave you a gun.

I'm glad I picked it up.

Me too. Made it this far, right?

... do you ever wish it could have been-

Nevermind.

Edited 2014-07-27 01:02 (UTC)

Different?

Yeah.

Different.

Yeah. ...All the time.

I guess all we can do is make it worth something.

Yeah. I mean I don't really know how sometimes.

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